Secretary of State

In January I also needed to go to the Secretary of State to transfer titles. I needed to do one for the truck, the boat and our camper. Our other vehicle was already in my name. I called ahead of time to see what I needed to bring with me so I was prepared or so I thought.

When I got there I realized I should have checked the titles before I brought them in. One still had our credit union listed as a lienholder, even though I had paid off the loan many years before. I needed to go to the bank and have someone sign off on it.

Each title transfer cost $15. If a vehicle was newer than 2008, I also needed to bring the mileage. I needed the plate number and/or the registration form and I had to bring a copy of the death certificate.

The new titles came in the mail within a couple weeks and this was one more thing I could cross off my list.

My advice is to look at your titles every now and then, especially if you've paid off a loan and make sure that you get that removed. It makes transferring a lot easier if you need to change owners, you were to sell it or total it.

9 month feelings

9 months today. I still don't truly believe that you're gone and not coming back or that you're not just at Camp Nesbit.

I wonder how your sixth grade team is now with Carl there and the new guy in John L's place. I'm glad Amy and John A. have each other but it's got to be hard for them and for the rest of the staff too. One of Diane's kids asked her about the bench in your honor and said that we must all be sad.

I'm not sure what I feel. Sad to not be making new memories; grateful for the memories I have and the time we did have; jealous of you being in heaven - not in pain, not feeling old, not tired; confused on why God needed you now and why you just went 9 months ago and weren't sick or anything or that you didn't die during the surgery; and lonely - being a single mom is hard and I question if I'm making the right decisions or if I'm too easy and let too much go on because they're grieving.

I don't think I'm angry.

I don't think I'm scared anymore. I was at first, scared to be alone, scared to make decisions, scared of how they feel, to cope, to go on.

But I feel better now that I realize God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle and so I tell myself that God took you home with him because he needed you to watch over the kids that he knew were coming. That He knew I could do this on my own and that I'd be okay and that through this I would get stronger, more confident, be able to help others, make okay decisions, learn new things and be okay. That I can be happy. I can laugh. I can smile and say I'm fine and mean it. That I can forget you're gone sometimes and that's okay. That the boys will be okay. God has a plan for them too and although I still don't think it's fair that they don't get to make new memories and especially Matthew, who only had 11 years,  they got enough love and teaching from you, that they'll be okay. They'll be fine. They'll be good.

God knows best and we're all here to fulfill His purpose for our lives until He takes us home too.

(After I wrote this I picked up my devotional and the verse for today was "love never fails".)

I'll be there

On my way to church this morning I decided to drive by the cemetery.

The grass needs to be cut and that would drive him crazy.

I put a post on his Facebook page saying that I'm thankful that he's watching over us. As I left, "I'll be There" by the Escape Club came on the radio.  Perfect timing.

Lyrics:
Over Mountains
Over Trees
Over Oceans
Over Seas
I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over Rivers
Over Streams
Through Wind and Rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

In the breath of a wind that sighs
Oh, there's no need to cry

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

Steve, thank you for always being there. I know you have to be very happy there, but I sure wish you could be here in person too.

I'm struggling to go into church. It was a hard day last weekend and I'm already in tears today. I also don't think I have Kleenex in my purse. I can hear Steve say, "suck it up buttercup, I'm good" so I guess I will go in.

Perfect rewrite

My rewrite of Ed Sheeran's song "Perfect".

When I heard the song for the first time I knew it could have been "our song", it fits so perfect to the life we had: being young when we fell in love, just starting a home of ours together and raising children together. I rewrote it to make it more of what we're going through right now.

I found a love for me.

Darling, just drive right in and follow my lead. Well I was a girl, a man found me, generous and sweet. Oh I never knew he was the someone waiting for me.

Cause we were just kids when we fell in love. Not knowing it'd be short, I won't give up that time. But darling you kissed me slow, your love was all I knew and in my heart I'm holding you.

Baby I'm dancing in the dark with you still in my heart, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song.

When God said it was your time, I whispered underneath my breath and he heard it, you were perfect for me.

Well I found my faith, stronger than it was before. I know my dreams, I know someday I'll be at home. I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets, to carry love, to raise children of our own.

We're not still kids but so in love, praying to our God. I know I'll be alright this time. Darling, watch me from above, I'm your girl, you'll be my man. I see my future in your arms.

Baby I'm praying at your grave, with all the tears on my face, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song. When I saw you at your death, looking so peaceful, I don't deserve this, darling you looked perfect that day.

Baby I'm praying that your grave, without you here on earth, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song. I have faith in God above. Now I know I've met an angel in person, and he was perfect.

I don't deserve this, you were perfect for me.

Labor Day weekend

Grief hits when you don't expect it. I never expected Labor Day weekend to be hard.

A friend pointed out that there's lots of memories connected to this weekend because this was when we, as a teaching family, always got ready to start our year.

We both would be finalizing lesson plans and posters to put up in the classroom. I would have gone out and bought hundreds of pencils so he could have them for a students over the year. Both of our classrooms would have been set up. I would have hung a huge yellow ruler that I made for his classroom. He would have got his computer all hooked up.

We would both be nervous and yet excited. He and his friend would have probably spend some time fishing this weekend before the grading of papers needed to start. I'm so thankful that his friend made YouTube videos of them fishing.

Sometimes we went camping this weekend as kind of the last hurrah for summer. Still not sure what we're going to do about our camper. We didn't use it at all this summer because I was not emotionally ready. I have never camped before we start dating.

I guess you just never know what's going to hit you and what's going to be hard.