I'm a mess today.
"I'll be with you til death do us part", is a lie! They never leave and the love doesn't stop.
22 years ago today we said our vows and became husband and wife. One of the absolute best choices I made.
I always thought we'd be married and together for over 60 years. I believe God had different plans and I trust in those plans.
In the state of Michigan your license plate renewal for your sticker and park pass is on your birthday. Since my vehicle was in Steve's name, the sticker expired on Sunday. I went to the Secretary of State today to pay for the renewal and there was a late fee. I know. I said I wish they could all be on my birthday. The man told me I could change it to my birthday if I wanted to. So I did that and now all of my vehicles are on my birthday. When I got out into the parking lot to put the sticker on the license plate I realized that I didn't want it to be my birthday. It's too late now and it's just something I will deal with. But I didn't know how hard it would be to stick that sticker that says March on top of the June sticker.
I have been thinking about the fact that today it's 18 months. A year-and-a-half.
At the beginning I counted it day by day. Then we move to week by week. And now for the last while it's been month by month.
Going through grief is like being a child, you count the months and you look for the little things to celebrate each month. I feel like I've been growing just like an infant. I started off not knowing who I was not knowing how to get help and not being confident in myself. Over the last 18 months I've learned to talk to different people, to get the help I need, to gain a little confidence in who I am and what my purpose is for being here and am also gaining some confidence. It's similar to how a child learns to cry when they need comfort not just food or a diaper change. How they learn to trust the adults around them to guide them. How they start to take those first steps on their own. How they start to say things that have meaning.
I'm 18 months old on my grief journey. I know eventually I will get to the point where we just counted in years instead of month by month.
I need to remember to look for the little celebrations like saying my first word of Truth, conveying what I need and not always trying to please everyone else, learning to take steps out by myself and do things for me.
I am looking at taking out a loan and the bank contacted me today and said that they need some further information to start processing the paperwork again. They need my pay stubs and proof of homeowners insurance which are not a big deal to get. But then they asked also for a copy of his death certificate. I would think after a year-and-a-half that everybody that needed it would have it but I guess not. Just another thing brings it back in your face.
