We know you'd be here if heaven wasn't so far away

My son is getting married in a few weeks on the three and a half year anniversary of Steve's death,  a couple weeks before what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary and on a day they will make their own. 

 In searching through Pinterest for different ideas of reception decorations and readings for the ceremony we came across a painted palette that said "we'd know you'd be here if heaven wasn't so far away" and then it had pictures of loved ones that had passed away. This is something my future daughter-in-law has talked about doing for Steve as well as her aunt.

Today it is hit me really hard that I will be attending this wedding without Steve by my side. I truly believe he is definitely watching over us everyday and will be more than present on the day of their wedding but I feel like there's something missing like there's a hole.

I know I will have a ton of support from others that are also missing Steve and many other people that will not be with us either because they have passed away or because of this pandemic doesn't allow travel or being with other people but there's a part of me that wonders about being the mother of the groom without the father of the groom.

I am looking forward to being a big part of their day and getting to share in their love, seeing lots and lots of friends and family, getting to eat good food and spend the evening dancing while watching them do all the traditional things like exchanging thousand rings and cutting into cake. 

I worry about how to balance that joy with the grief; how much to express my emotions and to who?